Edward's Identity Crisis, A Parody
by mariarodz
Summary: PARODY. So, let's pretend Bella is actually sane, and she realizes Edward's mental health is long gone, and that he has sort of a... problem with himself. I don't mean to offend any Twilighters/Twihards or Stephenie Meyer. This is for entertainment solely
1. Chapter 1

**EDWARD'S IDENTITY CRISIS- A PARODY FIC**

"No" Bella said in the most annoying tone she could manage. "Edward, you're not a vampire. You're a fairy. You seriously need to come to terms with yourself. I mean, you cannot continue to date me if you don't solve your crisis" Bella bit her lip for the millionth time that day.

"Bella, I'm NOT a fairy. I'm a vampire" said Edward while holding a wand. "This is just a mere tool for hunting, nothing else" the wand shrugged off pink glitter. Edward accidentally moved his hand and a ballerina tutu appeared on his pants. "I mean, come on, you really think I'm a fairy, look at my fangs!" He bared his fangs. Bella reached for them and tore them off, revealing baby teeth.

"Edward, you're not fooling anyone" Bella tried to sound convincing. After all this, she continued to bite her lip, which for some odd reason, Edward found seductive.

"Look at my family. We live in the forest, secluded from you humans. We all are the same" It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

"Edward, you are a _freaking fairy._ I'm surprised you don't live in a tree hole!" Bella tried to say. For some reason she couldn't stay mad at the little fairy.

"If you don't believe me, ask my family!" He said in frustration, holding back tears.

"Oh, _shut up_ you whiny little snot! If you don't go to a therapist by yourself, I'm going to drag you there myself!" She said, in a less-than-intimidating voice.

"Oh, I'm _so scared!_ How do you plan to drag me there? I'm stronger than you!" Edward continued to protest, but Bella took his wand and made him pocket- sized. "You'll regret this you nasty little bitch!" He said in a mousy voice. "I'm _Edward freaking Cullen_. You can't touch this! You can't _see _me, motherFU****!" But Bella just zipped her bag and plugged in her earphones, and suddenly she couldn't hear Edward the Fairy's screams anymore.

On the car ride to the therapist, Bella's favorite song came on, so she started singing along.

"Oh, really? Does it _have_ to be so emo? Don't you have any nice Kelly Clarkson or Britney Spears for me? Huh? I like "_Hit me baby one more time!" _Oh yeah!" And Bella slapped her purse.

"There. You want me to hit you again?" Bella 'threatened'. "OWWIE! Bella you hurt my bat wing!" He screamed.

"Um, it's not a bat wing if it's pink, Edward" she rolled her eyes.

After a few minutes, the fairy got bored.

"Hmm" he thought. "Let's see what Bella has in her purse. La di da di doo do daa! Ooooh! HOLY CRAP what the fuck is this? An album? With pictures of me? As a _male model for Abercrombie?_ Seriously, Bella, can you be any more of a stalker? Holy Tutus! Let's look around some more. La la la la la la la… OH! What do we have here? A _red lipstick_? Bella owns a red lipstick? Hey, Bella?" He called out to her. "Why don't you ever wear this color for me? I bet it makes you look like a sexy beast! _YUM_!" He licked his pink fairy lips.

"Because Edward, one, that's my special lipstick for hookups with Jake, and two, I would not really enjoy you trying to rape me. _EW._" She explained.

"Good point", he added, "but next time, please wear it :3!" He pleaded.

"NO!" She countered.

* * *

A few minutes later, they got to the therapist's office.

"Really? Dr. Twinkleberry? And you think _I'm_ the fairy? Wow, Bella, you have some serious issues" said Edward, still with his chipmunk voice inside Bella's purse.

"Yeah. Pretty much" She said, giving him half a grin.

"We have a three o'clock appointment with Dr. Twinkleberry" Bella said, while obnoxiously hiding her face from the secretary. She panted as if she had run a marathon.

"Who's the other person? Your boyfriend?" She asked.

"Well, yeah" She said looking at her purse.

"Well," The secretary said "Where is he?" She looked at Bella as if she was a psycho.

"Right here" She said, pointing at her purse.

"In there?" the secretary was a little freaked out.

"Yeah. In there" She said, looking at the secretary as if it were obvious.

"Well, honey, you go in there and have a really nice therapy session!" she made a weird face. "These damn teenagers. Their hormones are so strange" she muttered to herself.

"See? Now people think you're crazy!" Edward protested. "LET ME OUT OF HERE! I'll get drenched in this toilet water you call perfume. Bella's bag shook with rage. _"Eau de toilette" _… And I thought these French people were classy…" He muttered to himself.

"Edward, that's my mother's perfume" She gave him the most stern look she could manage, which was not much. Edward's cheeks turned red.

"Oops. Sorry" He gave her an embarrassed smile. "But you should probably tell your mom she smells like a toilet" He said. Bella hit her bag. "Geez, Bella, are you sure I'm the one who should be in therapy? Gosh!" She rolled her eyes.

"Good afternoon" Dr. Twinkleberry greeted. Ms. Swan, where is ?" He asked searching the room.

"Oh, he's in here" She pointed to her purse. "I'll get him out for you" Bella took out the princess wand and turned Edward back into normal size.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Twinkleberry. I am Edward Cullen" He said in his normal, raspy voice.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Cullen. So, Ms. Swan, what seems to be the problem?" He looked at Bella with careful eyes.

"Well, doctor, Edward seems to think he's a vampire." Dr. Twinkleberry studied Edward for a few seconds.

"Why would he think that?" He asked. "He's obviously a fairy" He and Bella nodded together.

"NO, I AM NOT A FAIRY!" Said angry Edward.

"No, son, you are a fairy. When are you going to learn this?" Dr. Twinkleberry asked.

"Never. I am not a fairy" Edward started sobbing. "I am offended. What happened to when I was the center of attention of every girl in school?" He asked himself.

"They got a life, Edward. Hate to break it to ya" Said Bella with an _I told you so_ face.

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" He cried. He stood up and started breaking everything in his path. Both Bella and Dr. Twinkleberry had a surprised look on their faces.

Dr. Twinkleberry gave Edward a tranquilizer. He fell asleep and Bella turned him back to purse size.

"Thanks Dr. Twinkleberry. See you again next week?" asked Bella.

"Next week it is" Dr. Twinkleberry smiled. Bella headed out the door with a sleeping, wand bearing, pink-tutued, crown wearing, Edward.

* * *

**A/N: Obviously, this is a parody, so, yeah, it's written with the purpose to entertain. Yes, I've actually read Twilight, multiple times, so I know what I'm talking about. I hope you enjoyed it! Leave feedback!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Edward's Identity Crisis- Part II **

**The Support Group**

**

* * *

**

After that therapy session, Edward's entire family began to protest against this.

"We're not fairies!"

"We live in the forest by choice!"

"We do not wear pink tutus... publicly"

"We don't use wands! WTF is that stereotype!"

Bella remarked that this issue was going to be solved. Whether they liked it or not. Because, who likes a crazy, stalker-ish, 110 year-old, tutu wearing, vampire-wannabe boyfriend who watches you sleep because he's just that abnormal? Bella did. Well, except that one about the vampire. And the tutu.

After endless attempts to make Edward go to his next session, Bella sighed in aggravation, like always. Edward would not let go of his wand for anything, afraid that he might be reduced to fairy-size again. She lost her patience, and often had tug-of-war fights with the wand.

"Edward, let it go!" Bella would scream.

"NO! It's MY wand, and I get to do what I want with it! WATCH OUT! You're tearing off the sparkles!" Edward would gasp in abomination.

Bella let go of the wand. "That's it. You can't live like this. I'm taking you to a support group. You can choose it with Dr. Twinkleberry" she said. When Edward refused, Bella threatened to shrink him again.

"Oh, you can't do that anymore! I devised a super, like, indestructable blood type thingy, and you can't change me into a-" poor Edward didn't get to finish as Bella shrunk him again.

"WTF YOU MOTHERFU****? You can't control me cause_ I can't be taaamed! I can't be tamed_!" Edward shouted as he regained his chipmunk/fairy voice.

"This therapy and support group is no longer negotiable" Bella said as she registered the horrendous lyrics.

"You can't tame me! I'm an un-tamable sexy beast!" Edward said, rubbing his way-too-hairy chest.

"Watch me" Bella said. She took him by the shirt.

"Oooh! That gives me tingles!" Edward said in delight.

"You disgust me, you perv" she scoffed. "This time, you're going in the zippered pocket" she decided.

"Another trip in your purse? Awesome!" sh- sorry, he cheered.

"No, no, no. You're going in the front zipper pocket" she waved her finger like a weirdo. Edward smiled mischievously.

* * *

After Edward the Fairy stopped giggling from the tingles, Bella secured the pocket with the zipper, almost guaranteeing Edward wouldn't cause any trouble.

Bella walked uneventfully to the car, and started the engine. She turned on the radio, Pandora to be exact, and a mix of songs began playing.

Then... the unthinkable... Edward. Began. Singing.

"_For those who don't know me, I can get a bit crazy, Have to get my way, yup, 24 hours a day, 'Cause I'm hot like that. Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention, Like I'm under inspection, I always get the 10s,'Cause I'm built like that._

_I go through guys like money flyin' out their hands, They try to change me but they realize they can't, And every tomorrow is a day I never planned, If you're gonna be my man, understand!_"

And then, the worst part... the chorus.

"_I can't be tamed, I can't be saved, I can't be blamed, I can't, can't, I can't be tamed, I can't be changed, I can't be saved, I can't be, can't be, I can't be tamed!_" he screamed.

"I thought you had given up on being on Britain's Got Talent" Bella said sarcastically.

"Oh, no" he waved his hands in disagreement, "if Susan Boyle can do it, so can I!" he declared.

"Yeah. I can't wait for your hit album: _Fairy Dreams_"

"Come on! It's gonna be _Vampy Dreams_, sweetheart" he said.

"Kill me now" Bella said.

"I could, if you let me out of this POCKET!" Edward screamed.

"WOULD YOU JUST _SHUT UP ALREADY_? GOSH, IT WAS _HYPOTHETICAL_!" she yelled.

"What's 'hypothetical' mean?" he asked wondrously. Bella just sighed and bit her lip some more.

* * *

When they arrived, they waited for a few minutes before the secretary called Bella in.

"Oh, it's you again" she looked at her freakishly.

"Yeah, it's me" she confirmed. "Can I go in?"

"Go ahead" the secretary said.

Dr. Twinkleberry sat down at his usual chair, and waved them in.

"Oh, Bella, so nice to see you! Is Edward alright?" he asked.

"Well..." she said as she unzipped the pocket and revealed Edward, singing "The Climb" he stopped abruptly when he noticed where he was.

"I see it's gotten worse" Dr. Twinkleberry said concernedly "But at least he's better than that Cyrus girl"

"True dat" Bella said.

"Yes. And his family, they're in denial" she said as she told him the story about their reaction.

"Wow, this is certainly new" he said.

"We're trying to find a support group for Edward" Bella began explaining to Dr. Twinkleberry.

"_I_ don't think I need one" Edward began protesting. Bella then remembered he was in the room, and turned him back to human size.

"Well, I hadn't thought about it. Maybe that could work" the doctor agreed.

"Can you recommend us any?"

"Well, there's this one, _Misguided Fairies Anonymous_" he began explaining, "I think it would help him"

"Thanks, doctor" Bella thanked Dr. Twinkleberry. Edward had been busy the entire time trying to fix that one sparkle on his wand that Bella supposedly damaged.

* * *

Bella drove in silence with Edward, now normal sized, to the support group. If a Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana song came on, Edward instantly became tamable. Ironic much? That's why Bella created a mix playlist with ONLY songs from her. She had to go through Miley's entire double life in song until they reached the support group.

"Go, Edward. It's in there" Bella pointed to a door clearly marked as 'MFA'. "I'll be back for you in one hour. I'll be in the store across the street.

"Fine. I'll go to the stupid support group if it makes you happy..." he said hopefully.

"No" she said gruffly.

"What?"

"You're not getting any tonight. Or ever. That's just gross"

"I thought we had a compromise!" he shrieked.

"We didn't" she said. "Now go"

Edward left with a stern look. After Bella had gone in the store, Edward the Fairy decided to go exploring... and he found the _"I Exist"_ support group.

"I mean, you bust your hump down the chimney, I mean, you stuff the stockings, over, and over..." Santa said.

"And they still don't believe..." the Diet Dr. Pepper guy said.

"I... have the same problem" Edward cut in. Everyone turned to look at him.

"Who are you, exactly?" the Easter Bunny asked.

"I'm a vampire" he confessed.

"No way" Santa countered.

"I am!"

"Dude, the tutu's going a _little_ too far" Bigfoot mumbled.

"It's part of who I am, okay?" he protested.

"Well, then, son take a seat" Santa said.

"Okay!" then Happy Edward the Fairy continued to discuss things with the support group.

* * *

**A/N: _I do not own Miley Cyrus, Dr. Pepper, the "I exist" support group. OH! I don't own Twilight, either. _**

**Hi! I was gonna make this a one-shot, but I had this random idea. I thought you'd like it. Leave feedback as always!  
Love,  
****-MC **


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